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That would be a plane full of people dying in a plane crash on a nervous flyers' course, fortunately for us, we were told exactly how unlikely that was! It's about as regular as a hippopotamus appearing in your cup of morning tea! Or in your bath! Or to be caught shagging your partner, that was the crucial thing.
We all know that there is an inherent danger in everything, in eating nothing, in eating everything, in eating the right amounts but being poisoned by pesticide in a one in a billion event, though that doesn't stop us eating food, does it?
On the first weekend after we moved into our new flat, which was three weeks ago (oh how time flies, boom boom!) anyway that's when I went down to Manchester Airport (hungover as fuck, I might add!) to do the course.
The morning of the course was devoted to telling you how well trained the pilots are, that planes as an entire brand can and will be all scrapped if there is one fatal flaw in them and also, that they test propellers from the dangers of flying birds by throwing roast chickens into them at full pelt!
So far, so good, we have a briefer lunch than expected, as the Captain has gone on a bit with himself, I speak with a fellow sufferer, a teacher called Vicky from Nottingham, who is mercilessly mocked by her friends as I am by Toni, she also foolishly let her kids know she was doing it...
The afternoon session was a positive thinking discussion, which also threw in statistics, in case the cynics at the back (like my Dad, who was also doing it due to his claustrophobia!) thought it was all hippy nonsense when the breathing exercises began!
The facial exercises made little difference but the distraction-breathing-relax muscles- visualisation plan worked wonders and later on when I was dreaming of seeing Toni on the beach in The Seychelles or thinking of all the other flights which HADN'T ended in disaster, it worked a treat!
And on to Terminal 3, where after a couple of people had been assisted off weeping, we were ready to go on a quick 45 minute jaunt in the air.
Obviously, this doesn't happen in every flight you'll ever board but the commentary emphasised the points made earlier about when the wings are banking, it was not heading into a nosedive and that the feeling of falling during ascent is a delusion played by the brain.
I made a pact with myself to not grip the arms of the seat during the flight, which I did not, this was arguably the highest achievement of the course (even better than the certificate received!) Me and Dave, a guy who also ironically used to work for the airport and a Manchester local wandered up and down the plane and looked down out of the window at the ground below
Genuine progress has been made, which is part of the reason why I'm doing this post, I had a bad dream involving an air crash the other night, as also explained on the course, people with active imaginations are frequent bad flyers (see Charlie Brooker for one.) I need to draw the line between reality and fiction in this scenario, even if it's only when I'm on a plane when I do this.
So, before I forget:
"There is a 1 in 0:03 million chance of being killed while airbourne, that figure includes military aircraft flights in conflict, hot air balloon trips and dodgy Russian flights in winter and snowy conditions."
In this case, I need to let the facts do the talking.
We all know that there is an inherent danger in everything, in eating nothing, in eating everything, in eating the right amounts but being poisoned by pesticide in a one in a billion event, though that doesn't stop us eating food, does it?
On the first weekend after we moved into our new flat, which was three weeks ago (oh how time flies, boom boom!) anyway that's when I went down to Manchester Airport (hungover as fuck, I might add!) to do the course.
The morning of the course was devoted to telling you how well trained the pilots are, that planes as an entire brand can and will be all scrapped if there is one fatal flaw in them and also, that they test propellers from the dangers of flying birds by throwing roast chickens into them at full pelt!
So far, so good, we have a briefer lunch than expected, as the Captain has gone on a bit with himself, I speak with a fellow sufferer, a teacher called Vicky from Nottingham, who is mercilessly mocked by her friends as I am by Toni, she also foolishly let her kids know she was doing it...
The afternoon session was a positive thinking discussion, which also threw in statistics, in case the cynics at the back (like my Dad, who was also doing it due to his claustrophobia!) thought it was all hippy nonsense when the breathing exercises began!
The facial exercises made little difference but the distraction-breathing-relax muscles- visualisation plan worked wonders and later on when I was dreaming of seeing Toni on the beach in The Seychelles or thinking of all the other flights which HADN'T ended in disaster, it worked a treat!
And on to Terminal 3, where after a couple of people had been assisted off weeping, we were ready to go on a quick 45 minute jaunt in the air.
Obviously, this doesn't happen in every flight you'll ever board but the commentary emphasised the points made earlier about when the wings are banking, it was not heading into a nosedive and that the feeling of falling during ascent is a delusion played by the brain.
I made a pact with myself to not grip the arms of the seat during the flight, which I did not, this was arguably the highest achievement of the course (even better than the certificate received!) Me and Dave, a guy who also ironically used to work for the airport and a Manchester local wandered up and down the plane and looked down out of the window at the ground below
Genuine progress has been made, which is part of the reason why I'm doing this post, I had a bad dream involving an air crash the other night, as also explained on the course, people with active imaginations are frequent bad flyers (see Charlie Brooker for one.) I need to draw the line between reality and fiction in this scenario, even if it's only when I'm on a plane when I do this.
So, before I forget:
"There is a 1 in 0:03 million chance of being killed while airbourne, that figure includes military aircraft flights in conflict, hot air balloon trips and dodgy Russian flights in winter and snowy conditions."
In this case, I need to let the facts do the talking.
