Celebrity Big Brother 2017... As It Happens!

Yes, yes, I know. I shouldn't watch this much reality TV but I do make a few exceptions... The Apprentice, Lizard Lick Towing and Celebrity Big Brother...

2017's edition features a pop-art style house, my eyes feel like that they are being pummelled by Hulk Hogan wearing paint filled gloves throughout.

There are more than a sprinkling of returning stars this year, so are they running out of victims, I mean volunteers, despite the financial rewards.

First up, Heidi and Spencer returning American reality 'stars', I don't want to judge them based on them playing up to the cameras as they were villains last time and I didn't watch that series. Their idol is 'Jesus', in this secular country, that may not go down too well!

Ooh, it's James Jordan (who resembles Kingy in the past when we didn't get along!) and possibly Toni's least favourite housemate ever is back, he is entertaining as he is cunt to some people. Sometimes James is quite funny, the rest of the time, he goes far too far and comes across as an arrogant prick. He wants to make it difficult for everyone, maybe they will get him to crawl over broken glass and dogpoo as a result?

The next person Toni didn't recognise because of the staggering amount of bad surgery done, Jasmin Waltz. She was a slag last time and all but promised to be one all over again. Great.

Oh aye and now these four have editorial control on over what happens with the remaining celebs...

Someone called Ray-J, he is the brother of Brandy and cousin in Snopp Dogg, he lists a bunch of things you may know him for but probably won't. He wears a British suit, despite being American, desperate.

Gazza's Daughter Bianca Gascoigne is next, she seems more bearable than a lot of the others, she doesn't sound Geordie or a raging madman, like her Dad though.

Next in the house, Raoul Moat..! Kidding!

And Austin from another CBB series to join the producers, he hates Spencer and Heidi with a fiery passion, good-o. He has split up with his husband of 9 years, so the Producers clearly think that he may want to get his dick wet...

The obligatory 'Loose Woman' (if you're American/Canadian, it's like 'The View' but cheaper), Colleen Nolan (she is also a returnee.)

Can't believe that James Cosmo (Game of Thrones, Trainspotting, Braveheart fame) loves Eminem and is doing this, I doubt he is that skint.

Someone called Stacey, no idea who she is but she is annoying and fake in that American TV style way.

I wouldn't have seen this one coming, DJ Brandon Block, who is a famous dance pioneer but having partied hard, he himself admitted it's taken it's toll. Hard to say how he'll come across... apart from sounding like the 'I'll nick anything' guy from the Fast Show!

It's some broad who is dead annoying on the CBB sidekick show A LOT, Nicola has been in before, how many former people are there going to be?!

Did he have to employ the phrase 'mugged off', ARGHHHHH! Jamie O'Hara, a semi-decent top flight footballer who clearly has blown all his money (like around 30% of former pros paid between 15 and 150K a week!) HOW DOES THIS HAPPEN? Anyway, he seems a normal fella, considering...

It's TV non-personality and Son of renowned footballer-cum-alkie George, Calum Best, he sounds like Keanu Reeves on lots of downers, He may fuck someone though, so he'll stay in for a while. ANOTHER one back for another crack.

Scratch that, Calum. No pooning for you, they've sent his Mum in, Angie Best! He has a minor meltdown, best gag of the night. Even better than the returning stars voting that Stacey should be 'edited out' or not allowed to join in all the other reindeer games (and wear a grey tracksuit.)

Let the madness commence... And Rylan and Emma steal their show by being funnier and realising how fucking ridiculous it all is.