Happy New Year And... I Promised Counselling Journalling, Here You Go..! Pt 1 of 5..!

First up, Happy New Year LJ-ers! Thanks for persisting reading this, I know I have been sporadic of late, but it is very much appreciated! I hope this year is kick ass for all of us and the Planet in general..

Secondly, last night in our Counselling lesson, our Tutor Anthony proposed using free writing (writing and just going for it!), so no turning round and editing as it goes in very interesting, unexpected and emotional directions.

He was proved right!

So, essentially, this is post 1 of 5 (Travis allowing!) I am going to copy over from my notes the quartet of written pieces I did in this fashion. I'm doing this as I wrote up my lesson notes tonight and I think it provides some insight into what I am and where I have been.

What I need from you Ladies and Gents is for you to NOT be scared! Comment, critique (if you like) and ask questions of me and what I have posted, I'm not shy and you will not offend me! Some of it is stuff I haven't previously discussed online so I am excited with what could happen. Let's go!

A Turning Point In My Life Was..!

Part 1 of 4 of the Free Writing (see post before this.):

A turning point in my life was...

"When I took my own path as a sixteen year old. I chose other classes away from my existing friends. I chose classes based on English, as I opted to head towards writing for a living, rather than a technical subject, like many I knew.

I felt renewed and excited by what I was now doing, it forced me to come out of my shell to speak to new people. At age 16 to talk to girls (when I wasn’t drunk!) and apply skills I needed for real life. It was beneficial as I think that it turned me from a cosseted teen in a well off household into someone who could approach people from differing backgrounds and viewpoints. It made me realise and accept other ways of doing things were OK and interesting. I discovered new forms of ideas like Socialism, which ultimately culminated in marrying a left wing Socialist, despite my parents both being Tories.

When I look back, I realise what a profound risk I was taking, yet I did it willingly, with little care for the potential dangers. The folly of youth! We have to work hard to maintain the ability to take risks, obviously non-dangerous risks. Sometimes, it is what we need to keep us alive, to feel energetic again. You never have life fully sorted out, so keep risking things."

What Made Me Feel This Was..?

Part 2 of 4 of the Free Writing (see the post before last.)

What made me feel this was?#

"I was made upset by the Louis Theroux documentary that dealt with Assisted Suicide. Initially, what made me feel sad was when Gus, an older man (who I saw a lot of me within) killed himself but he had a party with his family and friends around him when he went. It was really beautiful.

I realised that’s what I want, if I’m unlucky enough to be stricken with Cancer, to choose when I go and have a final party.

Toni thought it was to do with my Mum’s fragility at the moment, I guess that might have been too. I have been telling myself that I accept that she hasn’t got long left but maybe I am not in touch with the reality of the depth of my feelings towards her, now we have repaired our relationship from the distant one of my mid-teens.

She rarely shows emotion but cried when I Graduated and cried when I got married, I guess it is buried underneath somewhere."

Write A Letter..!

Part 3 out of 4 of the Free Writing (see the opening post of the evening.)

Write A Letter

"Dear Mum,

I know you and Dad hiding some of the reality of the situation from me, but I’m not daft and I see that you probably won’t make a century of years!

Although I may not have expressed it in the past, I want to thank you for believing in me and all the emotional support you have managed to give.

I know that you can’t find it the easiest, given the conditions and I wasn’t the most emotionally aware child or teen but now I have come to appreciate that you may not have managed it, but you definitely tried.

And for that, I want to thank you and say that I love you. Don’t even feel that you underachieved or failed, despite you going to Meadowbrook for parts of my childhood. I now know and accept that this is a part of you. I want you to know, in case I have not been told fully what is going on, so I don’t regret anything, I want to make things clear. I love you."

Write A Poem..!

Part 4 of 4 of the Free Writing (see the first post of this past hour.)

"I think I thought I guessed I knew better
Before I tried to construct this letter.

At times we all act as thick as three short planks
The important thing is that to realise later, then give thanks.

The people around you, they choose to be there.
And a lot of the time, you must drive them to despair.
So, isn’t it really fucking fair?
To give them some thanks for all they’ve had to bear!"

Four slabs of me, straight from my inner thoughts, enjoy! As I said, I welcome any responses to anything I have just posted. It has been cathartic and I am thinking of a way to pass my Mum a letter of some kind, even if it's not the previous post, something.